I can’t say no…does that mean I don’t have boundaries?

A while ago, I came across a tweet that really stuck with me.

Have a read:

It got me thinking back to past situations where I struggled to say no. Sometimes I didn’t mind agreeing, sometimes I would say yes reluctantly. I had also been in situations where even when I did say no, the most challenging part was definitely reasserting my ‘no’ — like TONI TONE mentions.

There would be certain situations where someone would question if I was sure. Then I would eventually fall into a trap: saying yes, when my mind was really saying the opposite.

Many of these times, if not all, the pressure to agree was all in my head.

I think I can be so kind and so giving with such a deep desire to pour into others that I sometimes forget in the moment that ‘no’ is a word that exists — and a word that I should probably be using more.

where am I now?

I’ve been on a journey of developing a stronger sense of who I am, in which has enabled me to understand what’s for me and what isn’t. This has made it a lot easier for me to say no and reassert it, though I may still struggle sometimes..

However last year, discovering the true value of boundaries was definitely a game changer for me.

Disclaimer: by the way, this is not one self help blog post on how to say no.

But rather, it’s more about me giving my opinion on the idea of boundaries, appreciating them more and unlearning certain things. I say this because my ability to say no, healthily — derives from having good boundaries.

Let me digress shortly:

So I’m a strong believer in figuring out the underlying root and/or thought patterns which may influence the way I behave, which takes some self-awareness.

I had to think about this.

I could learn to say no, cool — no problem.

But if I don’t look to the bottom, a similar problem may spring up because I never exposed the core root of my behaviour/actions ie. not being able to say no. I now realise that the inability to say no confidently is just an issue which stems from the roots. I think part of my root was FOMO and fear of not doing enough which led to people-pleasing (ew).

Mindset shift

Anyways last year, I read ‘Boundaries’ by Dr Townsend and Dr Henry Cloud and when I say that book…you really need it in your life.

It made me understand that maintaining boundaries is much deeper than just the ability to just say no. Finding it hard to say no is more like a warning or indicator to myself to think “hold up, something’s wrong here”.

Looking back, I find it funny because it really says in the subtitle ‘how to say no’ — that only just comes to show, it’s a real problem a lot of us all struggle with sometimes.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that a ‘no’ can state your boundaries clearly. However in reality, depending on the situation and/or relationship, boundaries can be much more than that. It’s also about the yeses, the ‘I’m not sures’, the “lets think about its”, and other responses that should be respected.

Because at the end of the day, it’s okay to not be sure exactly where your boundaries lie with respect to a particular thing, person or situation. There are simply things you may have not experienced yet to be able to judge whether you can say ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

don’t get it twisted.

I feel culture, society and media has driven a notion of blocking, ghosting, and keeping a ‘small circle’.

As time passes, the more I realise aiming to keep your circle small may not always be in your best interests. Life is more about enjoying and appreciating people around you — however big or small that number may be.

what boundaries really look like

Boundaries are not walls with no way in for someone to get through. Neither are they to be used as weapons when offended…

Instead, boundaries are more like permeable membranes. Unlike walls, things can pass in through. Good things.

But obviously, things that may be harming you or aren’t serving you can actually leave. Respectfully.

Boundaries are God-given and so we have the blessed opportunity to use them more responsibly in order to flourish in all areas of life and cultivate healthier relationships. I’m learning to let the good in and not just seek to block the bad out (even though that’s very important, always stay discerning).

In order to grow, sometimes it’s worth developing new relationships to unlock new levels of growth for you in the long term. Don’t be that person that blocks their own blessings, whether that be out of pride or out of determination to keep a ‘small circle’.

It’s a big world out there.

I can back this 100% and will continue to advocate boundaries because understanding them has made me unlearn a lot of things. I have also been able to shift more into an abundant mindset of growth, opportunities and joy — especially when it comes to relationships within my community.

Takeaways

• Dig deep to why you may struggle to say no or even struggle to say yes.
• Don’t feel the pressure to 100% agree or disagree with something. You can be unsure, and that’s fine. And no, that doesn’t mean you are confused— you just know it’s not a full yes or a full no. By doing this, you’re probably letting someone know to tread carefully.
• Main takeaway: Saying no or yes may be hard when it comes to tough decisions. However, don’t assume that your work is done just because you managed to say it. Boundaries are to be maintained, not just set in place.

I know, boundaries can be hard but I don’t think it’s complicated. Whatever boundaries look like for you, make sure it serves you.

Because there is so much to explore on the topic of boundaries, I am definitely going to break this down even further in a video/podcast or something, but for now, this will do. Let me know what you guys think and perhaps share with a friend, they may need to hear this.

ps. buy the Boundaries book, like now.

Stay blessed,

Anna-Marie #amTalks